There is a lot of pain in my life right now and I am beginning to wonder what God is trying to teach me.
There is the physical pain as I go through the physical therapy of having my ankle reconstructed; which also leads me to be out of shape and having to go through the pain of learning to run hard again.
But the hardest pains are not physical. There is the pain of fear. Fear that I may not pass this course. That I will fail to comprehend Dari well enough to move on in my career, that I will be sent back to the Armor community as a failure, doomed to finish out my career in essential but uninspiring staff jobs.
Then there is the pain of God’s correction. When I stray from His will, it either brings about the pain of the results of my sin, or the pain of frustration as I beat my head against closed doors.
And, lastly, there is the pain of honest work. Taking this course is not the longest hours I have ever put in, in Iraq I spent 6 months in the S3 shop, perfecting my craft during 20 hour days in combat. That is its own unique kind of pain. This is half those hours a day in class…but so much harder.
The question I am left with is, which type of the last two pains am I experiencing? Am I experiencing the pain of God’s forging me into a further path within my career…the outcome of which only He can see. Or am I beating my head against the door of His closed will?
Passing through the gate of successfully learning a language will open up a wide array of opportunities for me. But I begin to doubt whether I even wish to continue in that direction or not. Where does my true heart lie and how does this path serve that end?
You listening, God?
*LOL…this was today’s scripture from the Northumbria community…read after writing the above…
Psalm 119:8 I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.